Quotes

"Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up." —Chinese Proverb

"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something." ~H Jackson Brown, Jr

"You can't have a better tomorrow if you're thinking about yesterday." —Charles Kettering (added 11/5/09)

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."-- Mark Twain (added 11/17/09)


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His words are effecting me

Every time things are going badly with E, I can hear R saying "well, I didn't really want another child. I only agreed because I thought it would make you happy." Those words hurt worse than anything he has said to me as we were separating. As I am struggling to find with right words to use with E, there is a part of me that thinks about this and wants to scream. There is a part of me that wonders what life would have been like if R had not lied to me about wanting another child. And the rest of me sits down and cries. How can I think these things of my own son? As frustrating as he is, I still love him, I still want to make things better for the 3 of us, and I still want him. My poor little boy. He has no idea what his father has said, or what I am thinking as we are screaming at each other. He has no idea how much like his father he really is. He has no idea how much I love him and his sister, and how everything I do is for them. He has no idea how much he hurts us with his words or how upset I am when I cannot help him. This weekend's fight was about him being bored and having nothing to do. Everytime I'd suggest something, he'd say NO. Even S tried to suggest something and that backfired too. He is not happy unless he has a new toy to play with, as much as he does not agree with me, that is the truth. I don't know how he got like this. And I don't know how to make him stop. I do buy them things every now and then, it's not like they have to wait for a holiday or their birthday. We don't go shopping anymore because of this and the fact that he won't get out of his pajamas on the weekends. The weekends are no longer happy times and I don't know how to fix it. Anything he wants to do costs money, doing other things no longer makes him happy. I search the internet for cheat codes for his DS games, and even that is not good enough. It is a struggle to find things to do in the house. He has so many toys already, and won't play with any of them. Won't color, won't play board games. Won't play anything anyone suggests and won't suggest something on his own. I am stuck and nothing I do is good enough anymore.


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Social Interactions

For the last week or so, I have been feeling like something is missing in my life (besides a man, that is).  When my friend, M, asked me to go to dinner and shopping with her this weekend, it hit me. I need real life interaction. I need to be with my friends. I need human contact.  I find this very strange, since two weeks ago I was feeling very unsociable, not wanting to be with anyone, at all.  I guess I have snapped out of it.  I also realized in the last few days that I was relying on my interaction with people online to fill this need.  It is clearly not the same, it does not fulfill this need.  Perhaps my feeling of being unsociable is all a part of what I am feeling now.  Maybe I needed to feel that way in order to see that I really do need social interaction, more specifically, real life interaction.  So my plans with M come just in time. I am so grateful to have a friend like her in my life and I cannot wait to go shopping with her! We are also going to see BON JOVI in May 2010! I am very excited about that!!  I have also gotten closer to my friend D, and his wife A, in the last few weeks. They invited the kids and I over for dinner and we had a great time. They are such a nice family, with a boy for E to play with. No one S's age, but they made her feel welcomed and comfortable. While D played with the kids, A and I had a nice woman-to-woman chat. It was an awesome, laid back, relaxed evening. We hope to do it again in November, but if that does not happen, A has already invited us over for Chanukah dinner. Very cool.

So after realizing all of this, and finally being able to put my feelings into words, I have decided to limit my online time. Well, not necessarily the time, but where I go online.  I will always blog, and I will always be on Facebook.  But instead of spending too much time on a particular message board, maybe I will begin researching things about Judaism.  I am interested in learning about my heritage and using it to help/teach my children. Instead of all that time online, I will pick up a book. I am currently reading Inkheart and I have many other books waiting to be opened and discovered. Maybe I can even get back into scrapbooking again (I hope my online scrap friends are still around!). In fact, I *NEED* to get back into again, I miss it. Maybe my friends can help me get back into it slowly? (If they haven't disowned me yet). Scrapping with friends online is different than just chatting with people on a message board, I can't figure out how to explain it.  Maybe it is because instead of just sitting there in front of the computer, I am actually doing something. I have neglected my scrappy friends, and I feel really bad about it. I am ready to turn over another leaf, if they are ready to have me back in the group.  

Will it ever feel ok

to have him in this house?

He came to stay with the kids today. They had no school because of Election Day, and I had to work. There are a few things that happened that bothered me.

1. Before I even left the house, he was turning on the computer. Without asking. I know it used to be his too, but he gave up all rights to anything when he left. Should he have asked? I was not sure, so I let it go. Glad that he was even willing and able to come stay with the kids. (Still unsure about the willing part, though).
2. He emails me late in the afternoon to tell me that we have no phone, no dial tone. I asked did he have to call someone? He said no, just in case I needed to call them. Liar. I saw on the caller ID. She called him. They must have gotten disconnected, and it stayed off all day. At first, I was mad that he didn't try harder to reset the modem, but when I realized who he was talking to, I was glad.
3. E said that he was on the phone and the computer all day. He didn't do anything with them. He helped get things when needed, but that was all.  E said he played his video game all day because he had nothing else to do. Poor E.

So I am not exactly sure why he agreed to come stay with the kids. I didn't exactly force him, but it should not be only me who takes the time off.  It was as if he was not really there. I am sure S could have done whatever it was that E needed, but he is not ready to be home all day with just her.  I still worry about saying anything to him, because I fear that he will take it out on the kids - like he did before - and not spend time with them. I should be happy he came over, but I am not. More annoyed than anything else.


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Today's Espresso Minute

...To start your day.

October 22, 2009

Single moms and the dating game

Thinking of dating again? As complicated as dating can be under the best of circumstances, it poses unique challenges for single moms. Not only do you have your own needs and feelings to consider, but those of your children as well. Before you become involved in a new relationship, take time to think about how it will impact your family.

Keep things light and casual at first. It isn't necessary to introduce every date to your children. Instead, wait until you're secure in your new relationship before you allow your children to perceive the new man in your life as "Mommy's boyfriend." And don't press him into the role of parenting partner until you've decided to get married. Talk to your children about their feelings as you begin dating again. They may feel a little insecure or fearful about "sharing" you with someone else. Help them to understand that you're always there for them, and that nothing can ever take the place of their relationship with you.

For more tips for single moms on dating and remarriage, take a look at this insightful article.

iMOM - Single Moms - Dating: Dating as a Single Mom


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